It’s sad – grievous – not to have had mothering. Completely sacrificing a child’s needs to one’s own interests runs counter to the very meaning of “mother,” which can make it difficult for outsiders to understand her actions to say nothing of yourself.
It’s not clear why you feel you have to explain anything to third parties, other than that your mother abdicated mothering a long time ago and severed the emotional connection. Yes, it takes courage, effort, and pain to process all the trauma caused by her failures, but it is entirely possible.
What is crucial to know is that having a dramatically failed parent doesn’t prevent you from being a magnanimous son. You can acknowledge the woman who birthed you because you can choose kindness as your way of being in the world, not because your mother deserves it.
There is no law requiring human actions to be underwritten by an emotional bond. Meeting with your ageing mother will undoubtedly stir all the old wounds – but it also presents the possibility of overcoming them.
The self-healing step would be to accept her request, not because she was the mother you needed or someone who will now magically become the mother you wanted, the one who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, but because you are the one who raised yourself to full personhood, difficult as that likely was. If you decide to face that challenge, take with you all your strength and plenty of compassion for yourself.
Don’t even bother trying to force a confession out of your mother. Thar will only push her to defend the indefensible. But you can speak matter-of-factly to her about her failures. And as long as that is by no means the only topic of conversation, doing so may help her reckon with herself.
Think of a visit as an act of triumph for you. It can give you a lot to draw on for the future.
Written by Hara Estroff Marano, Editor at Large of Psychology Today
